Am I over it? Kinda aye but sometimes naw.
Am I worried about being found out? I don’t think so, so much time had passed that it’s very unlikely.
Do I still think of her? Yes, weekly if not daily.
Do I worry about seeing her when I’m out in Glasgow? Yeah, all the time. I’m always looking for her. Almost expecting to see her.
I’ve been thinking about what I would say to her if I seen her and if we were to talk. I think I’d tell her I was willing to have everything with her. Absolutely everything. I believe she knows me better than anyone. She’s my ‘sliding doors’, she represents a completely different life I could have had whether that be good, bad or indifferent.
I miss her to this day and I think I always will, she meant everything to me for such a long time it’s etched in my soul.
Last night’s dreams and this morning’s thoughts have been all about her.
No reason why, I can’t fathom it.
Happy to report I’ve been back to normal again without any further mental issues.
Since the weekend I’ve not been my usual self, I began to lose control somewhat from the norm.
I was anxious and felt the urge to be checking for emails, like I was expecting something.
Monday was the worst as I was in work so on Monday night I gave myself a good talking to and I’m happy to report I’ve been okay since.
Made me realise how easily it can all come apart and my grip of reality isn’t as secure as I’d like it to be. Mental health issues are worrying.
I’m pretty sure I seen her today, must be the first time in almost 4 years.
I don’t think she seen me and as I was with my wife and weans we wouldn’t have talked anyway, I’m pretty sure that’s not something either of us would do unless we were both alone.
Crazy how these things happen, I’d been thinking about her more than usual yesterday and then I see her at a Christmas market.
I’ll be honest it threw me a bit and took me back to the dark days somewhat but thank fuck I’m not there anymore. I have control over myself and have rectified my weakness to become unhinged.
Still can’t get her out of my head though, everyday…
Well my wee girl is almost 16 months and is thriving, I’ve just thought about her age and worked it out in terms of months. Why do we use months and when do we start using years?
Anyway, I have a new job which I started at the turn of the year and it’s working out well so far. I’m contracting which is a first for me so had to register a Ltd Company etc.
I had thought of posting a few times since last time but it didn’t come to much and I only felt the need to the other morning when I woke, as I had woken from a dream where I had met her. It was weird.
I’ve had no contact with her but she was in my thoughts. She still is in my thoughts but it’s a fraction of what it once was. Happy days!
I’ve had numerous flashbacks the last few days.
They make me sad and I don’t know how to make them stop.
Why is she in my mind? Am I in hers?
Who fuckin cares.
Flitting daily thoughts are one thing and they’re manageable but dreaming about her (when I don’t usually dream) and in so much detail is bloody annoying and no good for anyone.
I’m writing this here to evacuate it from my mind, it’s worth a try.